You'll Never Know
by CeeLoobyLouDee93
Summary: Noel Reflects On "The Belt Incident" On Stage And Dictates Russell Will Never Find Out. Noel's POV. Hopefully Better Than The Summary!


**A.N. Inspired By "The Belt Incident", As It Is Known Amongst Goth Detective Fans!**

**I Was Re-Watching The TCT Gig The Other Day, And This Idea Popped Into My Head And… Viola!**

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Noel, Russell, Or The Fucking Belt – And Never Claim To. But I Wouldn't Half Lovee To XP.**

**So, I Noticed How Quick Russell Was At Dispelling Any Ideas Anyone Was Getting About The Whole Event… Me Thinks The Pretty Ladyboy Doth Protest Too Much XD**

**Basically, This Is About How Noel Feels After The Whole Thing, And How He Will Never Let Russell Know His True Feelings. Or Something Likee That, Anyhooser. Even I Don't Know How This Is Going To End At This Point. I Never Do.**

"Noel! Chuck us a beer outta that fridge, mate. Getcha self one, too."

I was oblivious to the calls of my big-haired, tight trousered friend. I was too busy contemplating what had just happened on stage, and how it was bound to affect my whole perspective on life… and clearly do nothing to Russell.

"NOEL! Mate… are you alright? You look… pale."

I snapped back to my senses. Damn. Now I had to think of a lie before Russell worked out what was wrong. The guy may – on occasion – be a prat, but he wasn't stupid.

"Haha, I'm always pale aint I? Goth Detectives? The clue's kinda in the name!"

Russell laughed. "Oh, yeah! Ha! But… you're sure you're ok?"

I glanced up. I knew what Russell was getting at. Russell bloody Brand knew exactly what I was thinking… which kinda blew the whole point really. But I wasn't going to fall for it, oh no – I would bide my time. I wasn't going to fall into this trap where Russell would comfort me, bamboozle me with words and sweet talk me into bed, only to brush it off the next morning as friendly affection that got out of hand. As much as I loved him, I would not be a pawn in Russell's game. I point blank refused to be played.

"I'm fine. Completely… fine."

Russell seemed content with the answer. He knew this wasn't going to end up like that. Perhaps because he also knew I had seen him do it with so many others before myself. David, Jimmy, Matt, Julian, Simon, Noel Gallagher… they all came before him and he defeated them. One by one, without a second thought. He always vowed the same thing – that their friendship would not be tarnished, that it would remain the way it had always been. Well, that part never worked out. And I certainly wasn't about to let it happen to us without a fight.

So, I took the ice-cold beer from the fridge. The tingle of the glass bottle against my pale fingers sent electrifying volts down my spine, forcing my body to shiver. I never let Russell see, though. There was no way I was letting him know he affected me. Like I said – I'm not going to give up our friendship without a fight.

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One Year Later…

Remember what I said? About David, Jimmy, Matt and the others? Russell defeated them. That sounds very pessimistic, and like I'm looking at things the wrong way. Like I see past the fight they put up. But that's the thing – they never fought. They let him take over their brain… manipulate their being, poison their senses. I fought. I fought damned hard, too.

Ink's a funny thing, isn't it? The way droplets sprinkle across the page, and smear everywhere with the slightest nudge. By the time you have written what needed to be written, your whole hands have adopted the colour in which you chose to write. Quite poetic, really. If your wind were not wandering, that is.

As a placed the pen to the writing pad the ink flowed like a river onto the page. I knew exactly who I was writing to, and I knew why, but I didn't know how. My body and mind were too weak for this. I was not whole, not myself. I had not been for two months now. Two fucking months… did he ever think of me?

Dear… you.

You'll never know this letter is to you. How could you, when no one else does?

You'll never know the way my heart beats a million times faster when you are around.

You'll never know that the Mighty Boosh episode "Party" was written for us.

You'll never know that I lied to my family… told them we were together, so that for that short time I spent with them I could pretend you were mine, that you loved me too.

You'll never know how much you captured my heart. I never thought and be lucky enough to fall in love with my best friend, but now…

You'll never know just how ironic that was.

You'll never know how much your fucking hair annoys me. Embodies your whole spirit, makes you the person you are… but hides your beautiful face, your delicious eyes a prisoner behind the steely protection of hairspray.

You'll never know just how much I love you, and always will.

You'll never know that watching you say goodbye was the most heartbreaking sight in the world.

You'll never know that when the scrap of metal plunged into my wrist, the droplets of red ink sprinkled my arm and smeared everywhere with the slightest nudge.

You'll never know that by the time the cut was deep enough for the sting to disappear and the burn to remain, my hands had adopted the colour of the red ink I had chosen.

You'll never know that when the razorblade fell to the floor in silence and my life flashed before my eyes, I thought only of you.

You'll never know that when you found my limp body and held me in your arms, I was not dead; I forced myself to hold on so that I could glimpse your breathtaking eyes one last time.

You'll never know I got my wish.

You'll never know I knew you loved me too.

**Christ. Im Sorry, Ive Probably Depressed You Know. I Honestly Didn't Know It Was Going To End Likee That… I Thought I Would Have Gone Down The Comedy Route. Apparantly Not. Im Actually Really Bummed Now Lolz! Let Me Know What You Think! xoxo**


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